1 Step Forward, 50,000 Back

IDK, IDK what is wrong. Everything? IDK. Let’s be honest, the since after New Years, everything, practically everything sucks. And when i mean sucks i mean well yeah it’s not good. Yeah i sugar coat it. I get a day that’s good (usually therapy day) and i feel like i make progress. Two days later, i am falling apart again. It hurts, it really hurts. And no matter what people tell me, the pain doesn’t go away. IDK, i feel like i’ve lost everything, with the exception of my life.

I just want it to stop. It’s pretty clear to me now that the medication isn’t working. I’m not saying it doesn’t have an effect, but just not what i want it to be. Am i more stable, yeah. I don’t constantly have ruminations about suicide. My anxiety doesn’t cascade into this storm of hell that it did. But do i feel better…NO! Mood still swings back and forth, usually down. I still ruminate about things. It’s not fun. I hate it.

Tried, all the fucking time. Tired but can’t sleep. Well not all the time. But this week. The worst. One day pretty much slept it away. Another, just could not sleep, was up for over 24 hours. Mind just would not shout off. The rest of the time. I just feel sickly. Weak. Exhausted. Mentally and physically. And physically, fuck, what a waste. I lost all that weight this summer. First time in a long time i felt good about my body. And pissed it all away in 3 months. And i don’t/can’t get my self started back up again. I don’t know what to do.

I feel so detached and so alone. So unmotivated. So dysfunctional. Hopeless. Turned of my other twitter, Facebook. I just don’t want to deal with people. Not that anyone noticed. Cares. Whatever. Probably not the case, but it’s what i think. I’m just a fucking burden. Everyone has their lives to deal with, i can’t blame them for not wanting to deal with me. Can’t deal with unstable Jason, just too much to handle. And i miss them, i do miss them, but i can’t bother them with my problems.

And i really miss AS. Fuck i miss her. I wonder if she thinks about me at all. I want to fix things with her somehow, i just don’t see how i can, or if. She is probably enjoying her life now in the city. Has her new friends she is hanging out with. Not worth making time for me. IDK, i just wish i knew things could eventually get better. I want my chance, but will never get it. I really feel like my best friend is gone. And i hate it.

Are things as bad as i perceive them to be, more than likely not. I am going to have a med change next month, hopefully maybe that might change my head. I hope. And therapy is not that bad. I like it, i think i am getting something from it to. IDK it’s to early to make a judgment call.

Yeah so there is this “light at the end of the tunnel,” but i don’t see it. And what is it going to be like? To be honest i am not…. i’m pessimistic about the future. Yeah so i might get my head better, my life…idk. Just IDK, i want to have hope and think that well yeah. But IDK. It’s tough.

Therapy friday afternoon. hopefully things will be better.