Live and Let Die

After about of week of closing this blog down i decided to reopen it. It’s taken me till now to post something. If you have been reading this blog you know what happened (if not you can read it here). In simple terms i was outed by a follower on twitter. And while the possibility was always present that it could happen, it was more the way it happened. I’m not saying i did anything wrong on my part, some of my actions or reactions were wrong.However i decided to end, or attempted to, the conversation before the situation spiraled out of control. Unfortunately the other party persisted and it spiraled out of control (which i will say was a complete and total overreaction on the part of the other party). What happened, well happened. Because of it i have decided to cull people from the twitter-sphere out of my life (not all but some, and when i have it has been in both the twitter-sphere and reality). Am i disappointed with this fact, yes, but it had to be done. Sometimes you have to remove the negative and unproductive from your life.

This hasn’t been the first time an issue has arisen on twitter. A couple of weeks before me being outed i was involved in another flame war. In my attempts to help another user get though a hard time, i told her not to be concerned with using the designation of TW (trigger warning) on here tweets. She needed to focus on herself and not on others, she was in crisis. I had though that i had at least helped her calm down, that’s the impression i was given (this was after time and well after my saying anything about the TW which never never expressed anything about). A couple of hours later two of her so-called “friends” on twitter accused me of attacking or abusing her, over her use of the TW. To be honest they seemed to be more interested in preserving the “sanctity” of the TW designation (i have my own opinions on it and its use on twitter which i won’t get into on here) then they did with her mental status or were attempting to blame me for it. I didn’t have a chance to get a word in edgewise, or they choose to not want to listen to what i had to say. So i chose to ignore them and in my frustration told them to fuck off. Could i have used a better set of words, yes, but i didn’t, and well it is what it is.

The one thing i have learned from all of this. Twitter, like life, is full of cliques and bullies. For most of my life i always thought it would be nice to be included in some sort of group, to feel wanted, to feel like i am part of some sort of social something. From my school age days to now, i have found that to be next to impossible (or at least that is the way i perceive it, i am sure others would have a differing opinion). Yeah i am sort of aloof at times and can be a bit jerky when people don’t take the time to understand me (which isn’t long). But it sucks still though, you (I) want to be a part of the social media movement here in Baltimore, but you find out that people are like the people in school were. They say you are friends but they stab you in back, or because you get into a tiff with one of them, they all turn on you. Same with the #BPDfriends on twitter.

Instead i am made to look like and feel like the jerk or crazy person. Because i don’t have the strong connections it’s easier to ostracize me then it is another user. I’m not saying that they are looking to just pick someone off, i’m just saying that i seem like an easy target. And bei g in an emotionally unstable state isn’t to helpful. I makes me overreact, not think to clearly, and perceive things wrong. And i was trying to do was have in one instance a discussion and in the other trying to help some one. But i’m the bad guy.

In the end i can’t let the actions of a few people take away what i have tried to do here, whatever that is. I’ve done it before and it’s not worked out well. I’ve been outed, and i can’t hide that fact. I am who i am and i am dealing with what i have to deal with. If i rub people the wrong way, then that’s the way it is. As much as i would like to make everyone happy, it’s not realistic. If you don’t like what i hav to say, don’t read it, don’t follow me, do interact with me, it’s that simple. I’m not perfect, i have a tone of flaws. So i need to let it live and let the rest of it die (was considering posting a YouTube of the song but i’ll save ya).

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In other news, still going to therapy, therapists (MB) says i seem to be making progress, i have my doubts, but it’s still early yet. Most of the recent discussion revolved around family dynamics friends, and childhood experiences (being bullied). See the Psychiatrists on the 3rd of next month. My insurance has apparently kicked in, just waiting on getting the paperwork for it (state-run insurance, is a basic coverage, will do what i need it for, unless i have to go to hospital). Festivus went off w/o a hitch, i went first with my grievances made a statement, and well that’s it (i’ll get into more of that later). The rest has been sort of ho-hum. To be honest, i’ve been pretty down, thinking about things, and idk. It sucks, i don’t think the meds are working. On top of it i had a doctor’s appointment least week and well it sucked. I had dropped a lot of weight over the summer (at least for me) but gained it all back since being out of the hospital and i can feel it. But it’s my own fault, been bingeing like crazy and when i don’t feel well it gets worse. And have basically stopped all my running. Did all of that work for nothing. Now i just feel like a bloated fat oaf.

One last thing AS texted me on Christmas, was a nice short message, i responded back but no responded from her. Sent her a card as well as another person (SS), neither of whom have mentioned receiving it. I wish i know that i could fix things with AS and things could work out in some way, but i’m not sure that will or can ever happen. No contact from RS.

I’ll do a recap on New Years, till then hope everyone is enjoying the holidays so far.